Stalker, stalker burning bright....

Following on from Matchmade in hell, I’ve recently been faced with a new dilemma, my mam very cleverly disclosed some personal information (which I’m very secure about) to some woman at church’s son.

Previously when she’d asked me if I’d wanted to meet this person, I was still in a relationship (albeit a long distance one) and rather politely declined.

So fast-forward six months, and some random person starts messaging me asking me how I am, what I’m doing and what I’m looking for in a relationship. Seriously, WTF?

Now as far as I’m aware I haven’t signed up for speed dating of any description, nor have I written any personal information in a public restroom or made up flyers.  He volunteers the following information, he’s ten years older than me, he’s got 2 teenage daughters half my age and has been divorced 4 years.  Oh, and he’s tired of being lonely.

From two messages I can deduce the following: he can’t spell, seriously can’t spell. He’s overly needy and clingy and is a complete doormat.  There’s compromise, and then there’s doormat.

The thing with me is, I become increasingly arctic when I don’t like someone. I don’t talk to strangers (self esteem issues), and when forced to converse with people I don’t know and especially don’t like (after invasion of such privacy as my phone number) I actually become feral, never mind arctic.

You get one word answers if lucky, or I simply don’t reply. I will only not reply if I’ve told you in no uncertain terms that I’m not interested. I will say, listen, we’re different people, I’ve come to realize from our exchange of messages that we have nothing in common. All the very best for the future (thanks Hennie for this very diplomatic suggestion).

I don’t think that’s rude, unfriendly or that I think I’m better than this person. I’ve simply established that we have nothing in common. Children are not a joy to me (he tells me I should have children, they’re a joy, and would no doubt have offered his services). I don’t have any, nor do I particularly want any. That’s my choice, and my prerogative. The world has enough people as it is. No one is going to cry and scream if I don’t go forth and multiply.

In the exchange of messages I discover to my horror that he knows where I work, where I live and wants to bring me a birthday gift, I don’t go round buying people stuff that I don’t know. That’s just weird. It may seem like a kind gesture, but I told the lady and the dentist’s office that it was my birthday, and she only said happy birthday for tomorrow.  She’s a nice lady. She didn’t buy me a gift.

At work it’s reached a point where I’ve asked our receptionist to screen all my calls, visitors and I’m tempted to say open my post. I feel I have to leopard crawl on the veranda at work when leaving for home, wear a disguise or just yank a paper bag over my head.

One of the things that really annoyed me is that when I asked my mam if she’d parted with my phone number she flat out told me no. She didn’t have a clue who it was, but I should give him a chance.

Now what sort of drivel is that? He might be an axe murderer. My body parts could end up in suitcases in ponds or something for the love of all that’s good and holy.  Give him a chance my eye.

Day two of weird messaging dawns. I haven’t replied to anything and just before we go home I get a message. What’re you doing? I work 5 days a week. What do you think I’m doing?!?

At this point it’s annoyance more than anything. That my mam thinks so little of me that she’ll want me to date just about anyone. Her that always moans I date people too old for me (2 years age difference is too old) wants me to date someone 10 years my senior, with 2 children in tow.  And this fool that keeps messaging me (and by this time declares he thinks he loves me).

I now approach my oracle, my second opinion, my go to guy and my life long friend, I give him the basic low down, tell him I don’t want to be rude but I’ve had enough. He comes up with a rather tame, diplomatic response which I dish out to the abovementioned fool.

Not ten minutes later I get another message, Oh, I was thinking I’ll take you out to dinner, or I could come to your house, we could rent a DVD, we could order take out. You can choose.

People, I am shocked, horrified, scared, and now damn right angry. 

My house is my place of Zen, it’s where I go to relax, be me, not wear make-up, poodle round in my pj’s and eat cereal out of the box. I have to trust you implicitly before I invite you to my house.  To now just invite yourself round, imply I want your company when I’ve told you no, is just freaking me out. Seriously freaking me out.

This might all be seriously amusing to some, but it has caused a massive uproar in our house, my mam refusing to see the error of her ways and calling me ungrateful, a snob and always unhappy.

I’m not the five year old with ants in my pants anymore, and by Jove I’m going to say when something displeases me.

My only option apart from swearing and being seriously unpleasant to this guy is to move him to the ignore list on my phone.  Having done that he sends his mam round to my mam’s place of work to enquire as to why I’m not answering my phone. What man of almost 40 sends his mam round to deal with his issues?

No, I haven’t fallen down a well, contracted amnesia (sadly) or had my brain cut out by aliens.  I am simply not interested. It happens. We’ve all been rejected. Move on.

I’m a great believer of Karma, and that it catches up to you at some point in life, hence I don’t want to be horrible to someone when they’ve been thrust into a situation (or have they?), funny how that’s only just dawned on me now as I wrote it. The bugger was in on it all along!

Ooh boy. I’ve been duped. I feel so used.....

Moving on (see, relatively easy). I now have every reason to be feral and arctic should he contact me again, don’t I?  Hell hath no fury like a redhead duped...

P.S. The troll has now started calling my place of work. Everyone is on high alert and I carry a taser in my bag.....